The Tragedy of Intimate Friendship

Once I had a friend who was a guy. For our own intents and purposes we will call him Favian (not his real name). We almost did everything together. We regularly hang out after school and talk about stuff. Then one day, he stopped hanging out with me. I did not know the reason why until one of his friends talked to me about it. Apparently, the reason was he did not want to be seen hanging out with me BECAUSE one of his friends thought that Favian and I were together. No offence to Favian but he is not exactly my type. I like hanging out with him and that is just about it; to think that I thought that I finally found my best friend here in UP. This is not the first time that this happened to me.

Society sets its own standards of behaviour and these become norms. We all exist inside the sphere of the social so it is inevitable that we will be scrutinized by its norms. This does not mean that we have to consciously abide by its rules BUT whether we act in accordance to these set rules or NOT, people or some people society will always find a way to judge you. In this particular context, it is like there is this societal imperative that two men cannot share an intimate friendship with one another.

I have intimate friendship with women but people do not seem to be bothered by it. Once, Lauren (not her real name) and I were mistaken as a couple. We just laughed it out. A man and a woman who share an intimate friendship is okay but two men who share the same kind of friendship is unacceptable? Did I get the definition of intimate wrong? What then do we call the friendship that two men who are best friends for 10 or more years have? That is NOT ROMANTIC. I am not really your idea of the alpha male. People who know me know this. In the spectrum of the alpha male and the “not”-alpha male, I lie somewhere in the “middle”.

But that is not the issue here. Or is it?

I am writing this in lieu of the sermon of Father Jboy today during the 11 am mass at the UP Parish of Holy Sacrifice today. In his sermon, he asked who among us were lonely. He said that the way to transcend loneliness was solitude and that it is a facet of human nature to want to be connected. We ask our friends out to watch a movie or for coffee because we do not want to be lonely. We do not want to be alone. He also asked who among us were lonely but can work or lonely and cannot work. Those who were lonely but can work are those who are emotionally mature, meaning, they are not dependent on other people for their happiness. Those who were lonely and cannot work are those who are emotionally dependent. I am wondering if being emotionally dependent translates to emotional immaturity. And, what about the gray area of emotional maturity and emotional dependence? I mean, what about those people who are lonely and can work but still want to be connected? Like me?

I am wary of forming any intimate friendship now especially with guys. I talk about my issues, problems and concerns with other people but it is still different when you talk about it with a best friend. I have super close girl friends and I value their insights deeply. However, an insight from a guy best friend will provide balance to the entire thing. I call this the man’s perspective.

I really miss those long conversations over coffee or those really long walks.

DO I NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN INTIMATE FRIENDSHIP WITH A GUY AND NOT BE ACCUSED WRONGLY ABOUT IT?

This is the tragedy of intimate friendship.

I may never find that guy best friend in UP. For that, I am really sad.

Yet, I will still hope that I will.
After all, hoping is a very mature thing;
believing that some things can work out for the best.